Dark Moon

It is the darkest night of the month. Your night.

Others may call it the new moon, but to me it is the dark moon. The new moon will be in another couple of nights. It comes when I can see that first silvery white sliver. That first hint of what will be once the moon is full again. 

Tonight... Oh, the dark moon is You! I'm more aware of the phases of the moon than I have ever been, but I still don't relate so well to all those other nights. I see Artemis in the full moon. A stranger, but one whose name I know. And for me, waxing and waning are just phases of waiting. They let me know how much more waiting I have to do until Your dark moon returns.

I see so many of Your devotees and worshippers talk about holding Your feast on this night. You know the reasons I've never been able to do it. You know how much I envy those who do. How much I want that time and space to honor You in that way. I want it for You. I want it for me. I want it for the hordes that travel the roads with You on this night. I want it at least once.

I lay here tonight, unable to sleep because of the thoughts that come with that very particular pain that has returned. Returned? No...it was brought back. I understand why it has to happen. That doesn't stop it from being what it is. And I wonder if I am failing to do Your work, or if simply continuing to breathe is all that is needed from me right now.

Is there some earlier version of me that walks with You on these nights? She died, and I still feel how restless she is. Can she still learn new things? I ask because I didn't understand Your dark moon then. I didn't understand Your crossroads. I didn't sing the name Kleidoukhos when I found the keys. Maybe if she could learn those things she could find peace. But why do I think that when I'm still lying here awake?

I offer ro You these thoughts and fears. I offer to You this pain. I am thankful for the dark moon. She is beautiful, even if I can't see her. Because I can't see her, in fact, for it is the night in the month that she is only herself.