Posts

Doubt and Trust

Glorious Mother Hekate! If we look at mother and child as relationship, not just genetics and birth, You are truly my Mother.  Again, I thank You for my tiny lake! You know what sitting by the water does for me. You see my joy in watching the plants grow! And it is an honor for me to be the caretaker. To be trusted with such a sacred space. I pray that this will help with getting to know You more as Einalia, as well as with opening communication with the Mighty Crocodile. It's the time of year when anniversary syndrome hits hard, and I see the depression showing up in anxiety. We've also come back around to the point where the bully's lack of responsibility complicates and is complicated by physical issues. We are, again, all going to suffer because of her, and I will be vulnerable because of her being around more. I'm scared, and feelings of powerlessness are woven with that fear in patterns that I can see, but they just seem to explain that I really am powerless here....
Post a Comment
Read more

Back to the Beginning

Mother Hekate, You are Most Honored among the Immortal Ones. I am here as part of keeping my promises to You.  I was not in a good place when I started keeping this virtual space to honor You. The previous several years had locked me into an ongoing state of trauma. There were changes happening that I had no control of in any way, and those changes were increasing the trauma. And I had no support from those who are to be family. I turned inward, and I focused myself on going deeper with my devotion and doing more to contribute to my relationship with You. There are times when I think I shouldn't write something here because someone might come across it and think all I ever do is cry and beg for Your help. The thing I haven't considered enough, haven't given enough weight to, is that this space is not for other people. Making it a publicly accessible space isn't for them. It is a space to give honor to You. But even that can lead me to hesitate... Is it giving honor to Y...
Post a Comment
Read more

Numbers

3 - 6 - 9 Khaire Hekate! You understand the importance to me of these numbers, Mother. Especially one of them - though that importance can't really be split up so easily.  I've worked to make those numbers the basis for the number of stitches in a project I've been working on. The joy I get from working with those numbers is rooted in my relationship with You, and this is part of how I weave my devotion into even things that would look mundane to other people. Even with how I designed this, though, I wasn't expecting all of the ways the numbers are showing up! This gives me joy, Mother! Thank You for guiding me to see ways in which the numbers are hidden. I'm having fears about the house. Part of me says it's irrational, and that I should let go of it before it starts becoming real. Another part of me says I won't be prepared for it if I ignore it. I really don't know which of those is most likely. I keep reminding myself to trust Hermes, and to trust Yo...
Post a Comment
Read more

Do I understand my own devotion?

Glorious Mother Hekate, I come to You after talking myself into it again. It's the vulnerability, and the allowing myself to be part of a relationship instead of only approaching You when I feel worthy. I'm struggling with this, Mother, but struggling means I am actively working on it.  Everything has been... everything. I feel like I keep saying that. I start wondering if it sounds like an excuse. Then I look again and see that it would be alarming if I could just carry on as if it was all fine. And I recognize that I'm not really worried about it being an excuse at all. I'm just trying to talk myself into staying away because I feel unworthy. I'm not okay with how ritual practices have been distupted lately. I was already a little concerned that my work in writing might disrupt things, but I felt more secure after asking for Your guidance. But then it just seems like everything has been falling apart over the past few weeks. Even the writing. And still... I do tak...
Post a Comment
Read more

Disappointment

Mother, I want to close myself up and hide, but there's that little reminder - gentle and strong - that I promised to share my vulnerability. And, yes, right now is definitely a vulnerable time.  I keep waiting. I push my patience. And I get hurt. What seems like it should be a little thing is actually a big thing for me. That "little thing" holds hope and joy, which are greatly needed. It holds a sense of safety, gives me a way to burn off rage and anxiety that currently can't be directed in a healthy way. I need that "little thing", but it keeps drifting around outside of my reach. I am hurt. I am angry. I don't even know if the anger is fair. I just know it exists. If I had what I'm waiting for, this would be the time to do the work. But I feel myself closing in, trying to find another way to protect me.
Post a Comment
Read more

Memory and Emotion

Khaire Mother Hekate!  I know the mental realm is classically aligned with Air, and emotional with Water, but they seem to tied together in me that I think of how water is H2O. How aquatic creatures filter oxygen from water as my lungs get oxygen from air. It was an emotionally difficult day because I kept finding myself wandering through memory. And I got news tonight that made that suddenly very appropriate. As if I had gone home, in a way, without knowing what I was there for until it was over. I am thankful for time in the temple. I keep holding the key. I am thankful for the number 9. I am thankful for the confirmation of my understanding of Your message about initiation. I am hoping the staff is here tomorrow. I have ideas for making the work with it part of my work with Others. I'm sure I'll see those ideas become more of a structured plan through experience.
Post a Comment
Read more

Concerns about Devotional Practice

I'm not going to the altar as often as I was.  I'm thankful on the days that I do it. I want that special time of offering and prayer. It's not a business transaction. I don't just give an offering with the expectation that it means an Immortal One now owes me a favor. I look back over the years and remember when that was how I did things. I'm thankful that it doesn't seem to have been held against me. I wish I had known sooner how I was cheating myself, but I guess that's part of growing and learning from experience. Time spent at the altar is many things, and trying to put them into words feels inadequate. Bonding? Yes, but that oversimplifies it. Worship? I don't really know what that word means anymore. The way it's commonly used feels so limiting now. I know time at the altar almost feels selfish when I try to describe it - I get so much from it, I feel so different, and I...I...I... - but it's more than I can describe. More than my consciou...
Post a Comment
Read more