Virtual Hekatesion

There was a time when I knew where I was, Mother. I wasn't happy. In fact, I was miserable and desperate for things to change. But I knew where I was. I knew who I was.  I've been wandering for a while now. I don't know if my Beloved Dead are reaching out to me, or if I just want to believe that for comfort. So I haven't been taking it seriously, other than the dreams that felt like warnings. I might even have misunderstood those. I appreciate the messages I get from You in rituals, but I don't feel as close to You as I used to. I remind myself that You are She Who Works From Afar, and that I don't have to always feel close to You in order to be guided by You. But now, as I'm getting scared about things that could be happening in the background in the town again, I worry that maybe I've been letting You down. That maybe I have weakened our bond. I miss Hermes. I try to tell myself whatever is happening in town will be fine because Hermes is our protector...

I've been quiet lately. I worry sometimes about why I don't see You or hear You, but when it makes me sit still and pay attention I always find out I still feel You. She Who Loves Solitude and Finds Peace in the Forest With the Deer.  I explained why I wasn't saying the usual prayers at the shrine. Even though I intended just to sit quietly, I did end up voicing a few concerns and speaking my gratitude about things... including how happy I was just to be able to sit there like that. It's elephants again. I know what that means. I know this happens when I don't feel safe but have nothing I can fight or change. But I don't want to focus this time on feeling unsafe. I want to focus on the elephants. I now know why this happens, but that only opens the door. It doesn't mean I've learned what I need to learn yet. There's not really a lot of information about You and elephants. Not surprising when looking at where our understand of You originates. But You ...

Mother, I want to start with thanks! I know my prayers were received yesterday, and I am thankful for all who worked to bring my little friend back to us! I am thankful to You, Sobek, Hermes, Sekhmet, Ganesha, Hanuman, and the spirits who are part of our family.  Of course, You know the people who have been so disrespectful of our kindness are still here. That's where the rage is, Mother. We need them gone. They make our own home less safe for us. In my eyes, they have sacrificed their privilege of leaving when it is convenient. We need them gone immediately.  The rage is the fear combined with the need to protect myself and my family. These guests are no longer welcome in my house.

Mother, I come to You with my broken heart, keeping my promise to share my vulnerability.  I've never been good at guarding my heart. It's just not Me. And there are so many ways it can be broken. I keep putting it back together, and then it breaks again. It was a big step for me to put myself in the position of vulnerability that allowed it to break this time. That actually makes it worse. Taking that step is part of my healing. Nothing was done with intention to harm me, and it was all fair, but it ends up feeling like I somehow betrayed myself. Trauma trains one to reject the idea that good things will happen and one will be worthy of them. It does this as a survival mechanism. But part of healing is opening oneself to those possibilities again. And now there's a part of me that's angry that my unconscious mind is having it reenforced that I don't get to have good experiences. I know... it's trying to protect me. Being open to those experiences is vulnerabili...

Glorious Mother Hekate! If we look at mother and child as relationship, not just genetics and birth, You are truly my Mother.  Again, I thank You for my tiny lake! You know what sitting by the water does for me. You see my joy in watching the plants grow! And it is an honor for me to be the caretaker. To be trusted with such a sacred space. I pray that this will help with getting to know You more as Einalia, as well as with opening communication with the Mighty Crocodile. It's the time of year when anniversary syndrome hits hard, and I see the depression showing up in anxiety. We've also come back around to the point where the bully's lack of responsibility complicates and is complicated by physical issues. We are, again, all going to suffer because of her, and I will be vulnerable because of her being around more. I'm scared, and feelings of powerlessness are woven with that fear in patterns that I can see, but they just seem to explain that I really am powerless here....

Mother Hekate, You are Most Honored among the Immortal Ones. I am here as part of keeping my promises to You.  I was not in a good place when I started keeping this virtual space to honor You. The previous several years had locked me into an ongoing state of trauma. There were changes happening that I had no control of in any way, and those changes were increasing the trauma. And I had no support from those who are to be family. I turned inward, and I focused myself on going deeper with my devotion and doing more to contribute to my relationship with You. There are times when I think I shouldn't write something here because someone might come across it and think all I ever do is cry and beg for Your help. The thing I haven't considered enough, haven't given enough weight to, is that this space is not for other people. Making it a publicly accessible space isn't for them. It is a space to give honor to You. But even that can lead me to hesitate... Is it giving honor to Y...