Virtual Hekatesion

Mother, I come to You with my broken heart, keeping my promise to share my vulnerability.  I've never been good at guarding my heart. It's just not Me. And there are so many ways it can be broken. I keep putting it back together, and then it breaks again. It was a big step for me to put myself in the position of vulnerability that allowed it to break this time. That actually makes it worse. Taking that step is part of my healing. Nothing was done with intention to harm me, and it was all fair, but it ends up feeling like I somehow betrayed myself. Trauma trains one to reject the idea that good things will happen and one will be worthy of them. It does this as a survival mechanism. But part of healing is opening oneself to those possibilities again. And now there's a part of me that's angry that my unconscious mind is having it reenforced that I don't get to have good experiences. I know... it's trying to protect me. Being open to those experiences is vulnerabili...

Glorious Mother Hekate! If we look at mother and child as relationship, not just genetics and birth, You are truly my Mother.  Again, I thank You for my tiny lake! You know what sitting by the water does for me. You see my joy in watching the plants grow! And it is an honor for me to be the caretaker. To be trusted with such a sacred space. I pray that this will help with getting to know You more as Einalia, as well as with opening communication with the Mighty Crocodile. It's the time of year when anniversary syndrome hits hard, and I see the depression showing up in anxiety. We've also come back around to the point where the bully's lack of responsibility complicates and is complicated by physical issues. We are, again, all going to suffer because of her, and I will be vulnerable because of her being around more. I'm scared, and feelings of powerlessness are woven with that fear in patterns that I can see, but they just seem to explain that I really am powerless here....

Mother Hekate, You are Most Honored among the Immortal Ones. I am here as part of keeping my promises to You.  I was not in a good place when I started keeping this virtual space to honor You. The previous several years had locked me into an ongoing state of trauma. There were changes happening that I had no control of in any way, and those changes were increasing the trauma. And I had no support from those who are to be family. I turned inward, and I focused myself on going deeper with my devotion and doing more to contribute to my relationship with You. There are times when I think I shouldn't write something here because someone might come across it and think all I ever do is cry and beg for Your help. The thing I haven't considered enough, haven't given enough weight to, is that this space is not for other people. Making it a publicly accessible space isn't for them. It is a space to give honor to You. But even that can lead me to hesitate... Is it giving honor to Y...

3 - 6 - 9 Khaire Hekate! You understand the importance to me of these numbers, Mother. Especially one of them - though that importance can't really be split up so easily.  I've worked to make those numbers the basis for the number of stitches in a project I've been working on. The joy I get from working with those numbers is rooted in my relationship with You, and this is part of how I weave my devotion into even things that would look mundane to other people. Even with how I designed this, though, I wasn't expecting all of the ways the numbers are showing up! This gives me joy, Mother! Thank You for guiding me to see ways in which the numbers are hidden. I'm having fears about the house. Part of me says it's irrational, and that I should let go of it before it starts becoming real. Another part of me says I won't be prepared for it if I ignore it. I really don't know which of those is most likely. I keep reminding myself to trust Hermes, and to trust Yo...

Glorious Mother Hekate, I come to You after talking myself into it again. It's the vulnerability, and the allowing myself to be part of a relationship instead of only approaching You when I feel worthy. I'm struggling with this, Mother, but struggling means I am actively working on it.  Everything has been... everything. I feel like I keep saying that. I start wondering if it sounds like an excuse. Then I look again and see that it would be alarming if I could just carry on as if it was all fine. And I recognize that I'm not really worried about it being an excuse at all. I'm just trying to talk myself into staying away because I feel unworthy. I'm not okay with how ritual practices have been distupted lately. I was already a little concerned that my work in writing might disrupt things, but I felt more secure after asking for Your guidance. But then it just seems like everything has been falling apart over the past few weeks. Even the writing. And still... I do tak...

Mother, I want to close myself up and hide, but there's that little reminder - gentle and strong - that I promised to share my vulnerability. And, yes, right now is definitely a vulnerable time.  I keep waiting. I push my patience. And I get hurt. What seems like it should be a little thing is actually a big thing for me. That "little thing" holds hope and joy, which are greatly needed. It holds a sense of safety, gives me a way to burn off rage and anxiety that currently can't be directed in a healthy way. I need that "little thing", but it keeps drifting around outside of my reach. I am hurt. I am angry. I don't even know if the anger is fair. I just know it exists. If I had what I'm waiting for, this would be the time to do the work. But I feel myself closing in, trying to find another way to protect me.