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Grief and Overwhelm

Mother Hekate, I thank You and praise You! You have guided me again and again, including times when I was unaware. Even now, as scared and confused as I am, I trust that You are still guiding me.  We lost a member of our family today. The way she came to us was very special, and I thought she would be going home with us. I know my mind often assigns meaning to things as a way of trying to create a structure I can process. I also know I often understand things as they happen in ways that don't become clear to other people until much later. Part of me wonders if this family member bought our way back home, or if her job here was finished because we are going home. The parallels in how she joined us and when she left stand out.  And there's another part of me that says I'm grasping at things because we don't have time to grieve. Whichever it is, Mother - or whatever else it may be - she is with You. There's still a certain level of fear about our future because going h...
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Offerings update

Is it too early to be happy? I'm honestly scared of that at this point.  Oh, but I look forward to the stairs! To having our own world on that second floor! To the new temple! I know a lot of words (large and diverse vocabulary), but even I can't think of words that truly express my gratitude!
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Offerings

Mother Hekate, my soul hurts. My body also hurts, but that's been normal for years. I feel like I do a lot of complaining when I write here, but I promised You I would share my vulnerability.  We're all very vulnerable right now. We're waiting to hear if our offer has been accepted. I don't know if the person we're waiting on really understands what we're offering, though. This isn't just money. We're offering our future, our survival. We're offering our trauma. It's a lot more than just money. I think of the family member - who doesn't usually say things this way - who said, "It will all work out. You guys will get the house that's right for you." The next day, in my meditation, I thought of how, if it's all going to be okay, then it actually already is okay.  Still...time is running out, and this situation has done damage to each of us in different ways. We're all scared. I learn from experience, and I'm scared of ...
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Mysteries and mystery

Kleidoukhos - So many, many times I have said in my prayers that You are the Keeper of the Keys that unlock the Cosmic Mysteries. I didn't realize I was misunderstanding "Mysteries".  I used to misunderstand ancient Mystery rituals as being secrets that were kept from the uninitiated, or those who were initiates of whichever group but had not progressed far enough. I eventually came to understand that those things could be factors in who did or did not participate, but Mystery was about Truth that had to be experienced and meditated on, usually repeatedly because a change in understanding could open opportunities for new knowledge from the same information. Kind of a never stepping into the same river twice thing.  But I still misunderstood the word when praising You. Or only understood the smallest hint of it. I simply thought of it as You knowing everything in ways that would likely remain mysteries to humans, and that included things we don't even think of because ...
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Gatekeeper

Mother, I have used this before to honor You, and I do so again.  Hekate is the Gate. Hekate is the Key and the Guardian of the Gate. Past, Present, Future All are Hekate. In Lovecraft's mind, the Mythos was not the Cthulhu Mythos. It was the Yog-Sothoth Mythos. These days, fans treat Yog-Sothoth like a barely present technicality in the structure of the worldbuilding. Other Old Ones are more exciting! And they show up more in stories, so there's more information. Oh, but Mother, You know how I'm drawn to gatekeepers. Of course I noticed how that little verse of text applies to You! It is my being drawn to gatekeepers that is on my mind. I say that I am only devoted to one deity - Yourself - and that other relationships with Shining Ones are a less locked in experience. (I've been struggling with what that means about Hermes, with the way plans have changed for us moving.) But I've been wondering for a few days now...am I devoted to Ganesha? Is it something that bec...
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12 August

A multiple of 3 that reduces to 3. A new moon solar eclipse. Praise Hekate!
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The emotional load

Mother Hekate, I wanted to offer a poem to You today, but the words wouldn't flow. The intention was there, as well as effort, but there's just no tangible result. So I offer You what I carry in my heart.  I saw something a few days ago that said, "I know it is a blessing to feel everything so deeply, but wtf?" Oh, I feel that! Maybe I'm just a little bit jealous that I didn't write it myself. I'm kind of acting as mental and emotional support for the other three people for now. (I know...I never count one of them. I do not believe he belongs here, and he is not part of the group.) I don't think it's draining me (yet), but maybe it is. Maybe it's a slow drain. Or maybe I'm just being drained by everything and can't sort it out right now. Sorting things is definitely draining. It's been the physical work. Today, though, I had to sort things that had been tucked away for emotional reasons. The last card from my dad. The pictures of th...
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