Virtual Hekatesion

Mother, I want to close myself up and hide, but there's that little reminder - gentle and strong - that I promised to share my vulnerability. And, yes, right now is definitely a vulnerable time.  I keep waiting. I push my patience. And I get hurt. What seems like it should be a little thing is actually a big thing for me. That "little thing" holds hope and joy, which are greatly needed. It holds a sense of safety, gives me a way to burn off rage and anxiety that currently can't be directed in a healthy way. I need that "little thing", but it keeps drifting around outside of my reach. I am hurt. I am angry. I don't even know if the anger is fair. I just know it exists. If I had what I'm waiting for, this would be the time to do the work. But I feel myself closing in, trying to find another way to protect me.

Khaire Mother Hekate!  I know the mental realm is classically aligned with Air, and emotional with Water, but they seem to tied together in me that I think of how water is H2O. How aquatic creatures filter oxygen from water as my lungs get oxygen from air. It was an emotionally difficult day because I kept finding myself wandering through memory. And I got news tonight that made that suddenly very appropriate. As if I had gone home, in a way, without knowing what I was there for until it was over. I am thankful for time in the temple. I keep holding the key. I am thankful for the number 9. I am thankful for the confirmation of my understanding of Your message about initiation. I am hoping the staff is here tomorrow. I have ideas for making the work with it part of my work with Others. I'm sure I'll see those ideas become more of a structured plan through experience.

I'm not going to the altar as often as I was.  I'm thankful on the days that I do it. I want that special time of offering and prayer. It's not a business transaction. I don't just give an offering with the expectation that it means an Immortal One now owes me a favor. I look back over the years and remember when that was how I did things. I'm thankful that it doesn't seem to have been held against me. I wish I had known sooner how I was cheating myself, but I guess that's part of growing and learning from experience. Time spent at the altar is many things, and trying to put them into words feels inadequate. Bonding? Yes, but that oversimplifies it. Worship? I don't really know what that word means anymore. The way it's commonly used feels so limiting now. I know time at the altar almost feels selfish when I try to describe it - I get so much from it, I feel so different, and I...I...I... - but it's more than I can describe. More than my consciou...

Mother, I had some doubts about restringing the beads this time. I didn't picture them the way they were turning out. I was afraid they would be too small now. But I knew I was working with the right numbers, so I continued.  If You gave me that little push, Mother, thank You. And if You didn't give it, then I'm thankful for however it happened. I keep holding the beads. They give me comfort. It's different from how they were before. It's like simply holding them is more intimate now. I've been told the staff should be here in a couple of days. If I can have it before the weekend has passed, I will be very appreciative! Waiting has been difficult, but has also given me information and opportunities to see that this may be part of the guidance and can certainly become part of my devotion. 

Mother, I ask for Your protection. I know what time of year it is, what happened at almost this time a year ago. And here I am again... Truth has been spoken in conversations again, and I know it doesn't sit well with her when any unpleasant truth about the bully is revealed. And I know why. I know that she is so insecure about herself that she feels she cannot afford to confront the truth about the bully even being a bully. She thinks she can't handle what would happen if she had to process the harm that the one she is in love with does.  But that means others have to carry the harm. And You know that I have carried that kind of harm all my life, and that all of us should be freed from it. I didn't tell the truth to try to change her mind about anything. I told the truth because I don't deserve to be forced to hide it and carry it inside of me. And yet...I don't feel free. Not even a little. Here I am now, afraid of being punished for that truth. So I ask for Your ...

Mother, thank You for the message in the cards today! I held onto it in my heart, and sometimes reminded myself of it in my thoughts.  Because of the book I'm reading - and I suspect this may be mixed with Your guidance - I think I have a better understanding of why I have to work so hard to accomplish so little in times of great stress and suffering. My society encourages us to look at other people. Which people we want to learn from so we can match their success, which people are causing our problems... always other people. So I learned to try to get other people to change what they do when I don't feel like I have direct control of problems. But what they do isn't really what I want. I want to be reasonably safe. I want to not live in fear. I want to have comfort to keep learning and doing things I love. And maybe I actually prevent some of that, or limit it, by focusing on thinking the only way is to change someone else. Especially since I do my best to protect them in ...