Virtual Hekatesion

Mother, I don't know what to do right now. That sounds like a crisis. Maybe it is. Maybe it's not. What I really mean is that part of me says I should wait until I've had some time to process what I've learned before I talk to You, but another part of me says I should start now so that I don't leave You out of any part of it. I don't know which of those is the right choice, but I think staying quiet if I wasn't supposed to could do more harm.  We have to leave. It will make sense if part of me starts looking at things like we won't be at this crossroads anymore, but I'm not sure that I'd take myself seriously. There's an option we're looking at that would be worth whatever we lose. And if we're losing something here, we're going to lose it anyway. Staying isn't an option. The option we're looking at... We don't know for sure yet that it's doable, but we want it to be. There are things it would heal for all of us. F...

There was a time when I knew where I was, Mother. I wasn't happy. In fact, I was miserable and desperate for things to change. But I knew where I was. I knew who I was.  I've been wandering for a while now. I don't know if my Beloved Dead are reaching out to me, or if I just want to believe that for comfort. So I haven't been taking it seriously, other than the dreams that felt like warnings. I might even have misunderstood those. I appreciate the messages I get from You in rituals, but I don't feel as close to You as I used to. I remind myself that You are She Who Works From Afar, and that I don't have to always feel close to You in order to be guided by You. But now, as I'm getting scared about things that could be happening in the background in the town again, I worry that maybe I've been letting You down. That maybe I have weakened our bond. I miss Hermes. I try to tell myself whatever is happening in town will be fine because Hermes is our protector...

I've been quiet lately. I worry sometimes about why I don't see You or hear You, but when it makes me sit still and pay attention I always find out I still feel You. She Who Loves Solitude and Finds Peace in the Forest With the Deer.  I explained why I wasn't saying the usual prayers at the shrine. Even though I intended just to sit quietly, I did end up voicing a few concerns and speaking my gratitude about things... including how happy I was just to be able to sit there like that. It's elephants again. I know what that means. I know this happens when I don't feel safe but have nothing I can fight or change. But I don't want to focus this time on feeling unsafe. I want to focus on the elephants. I now know why this happens, but that only opens the door. It doesn't mean I've learned what I need to learn yet. There's not really a lot of information about You and elephants. Not surprising when looking at where our understand of You originates. But You ...

Mother, I want to start with thanks! I know my prayers were received yesterday, and I am thankful for all who worked to bring my little friend back to us! I am thankful to You, Sobek, Hermes, Sekhmet, Ganesha, Hanuman, and the spirits who are part of our family.  Of course, You know the people who have been so disrespectful of our kindness are still here. That's where the rage is, Mother. We need them gone. They make our own home less safe for us. In my eyes, they have sacrificed their privilege of leaving when it is convenient. We need them gone immediately.  The rage is the fear combined with the need to protect myself and my family. These guests are no longer welcome in my house.

Mother, I come to You with my broken heart, keeping my promise to share my vulnerability.  I've never been good at guarding my heart. It's just not Me. And there are so many ways it can be broken. I keep putting it back together, and then it breaks again. It was a big step for me to put myself in the position of vulnerability that allowed it to break this time. That actually makes it worse. Taking that step is part of my healing. Nothing was done with intention to harm me, and it was all fair, but it ends up feeling like I somehow betrayed myself. Trauma trains one to reject the idea that good things will happen and one will be worthy of them. It does this as a survival mechanism. But part of healing is opening oneself to those possibilities again. And now there's a part of me that's angry that my unconscious mind is having it reenforced that I don't get to have good experiences. I know... it's trying to protect me. Being open to those experiences is vulnerabili...

Glorious Mother Hekate! If we look at mother and child as relationship, not just genetics and birth, You are truly my Mother.  Again, I thank You for my tiny lake! You know what sitting by the water does for me. You see my joy in watching the plants grow! And it is an honor for me to be the caretaker. To be trusted with such a sacred space. I pray that this will help with getting to know You more as Einalia, as well as with opening communication with the Mighty Crocodile. It's the time of year when anniversary syndrome hits hard, and I see the depression showing up in anxiety. We've also come back around to the point where the bully's lack of responsibility complicates and is complicated by physical issues. We are, again, all going to suffer because of her, and I will be vulnerable because of her being around more. I'm scared, and feelings of powerlessness are woven with that fear in patterns that I can see, but they just seem to explain that I really am powerless here....