A Cry for Help

Mother, I don't know what else to do but to cry to You. This virtual temple is meant to be a place to celebrate Your glory and praise You. I have brought prayers to You here before that were requests for Your help for others, and sometimes I get a little deeper into expressing myself here, but mostly I try to avoid that. I feel like the focus here is to be You, not me. This is where I praise You, not where I make a list of requests. It's not even a question of whether or not I should pour my heart out to You, but of where is appropriate for that.

But it is Your temple. Sometimes my offerings are my fear, discomfort, and confusion. Sometimes my offerings are my trust. Sometimes I have to set aside what I think makes sense and do what those deep urges tell me is right. How do I celebrate the glory of a dark goddess but never bring anything dark to the temple? How do I say I maintain this place as a testament to You, but not allow the whole story to be told? How do I say I serve You, but then ignore that voice that tells me to go write these things in this space?

Mother, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I'm here. I mean that in little ways and big ways. I'm so tired. So tired of hearing myself pour out the same depression and confusion. So tired of living with it in me. So tired of trying to accept it, process it, purge it out, give it time to heal...all to see nothing change. Or when it does change, it gets worse. I don't understand, Mother. I don't understand why You sent me back for it to be this way.

They don't keep their promises. They put too much on me, and they abandon me. They ignore the pain. Sometimes they blame me for allowing myself to experience the pain they cause. They tell lies they can't even recognize as lies because they are trying so hard to believe their own fantasies. And I can't escape. It's not even just fear, though You know how great the fear is. But this is misery, and very close to being enough to make the fear not even be in my awareness. But there are legal issues, and other obstacles, and I am trapped.

I don't understand, Mother. I can't see the paths, the gates, the keys. Every time I think I've made it to a point where it will start to come together, it dissolves into pain and misery again. Please, Mother...I don't know what to do. Everyone and everything says I am where I need to be, but I don't understand.

I keep holding on. I can't see the path, but I still keep searching to be able to follow it. I keep trusting You, my Ancestors, and other gods. I trust the Nature Spirits that I have built relationships with, but I feel so far away from most of them now and don't know how to connect with one's here in order to build relationships. I may have felt a connection with one, but I don't know how to build that relationship, or if she even wants to. It's not as easy here as it was in other places. I don't know what I'm doing.

It feels so strange to pour this out in a publicly accessible place. And the words will stay. I'll see them later. I just want to erase it all so I won't risk being embarrassed by it later. But that's not how this works. I don't know why I'm supposed to pour it out here, but I'm doing it. I trust You, Mother, and that includes trusting when I do not understand. I guess that's part of how I celebrate Your gloriousness.

Hail, Mother Hekate! I praise and love You!