Night Terrors

Glorious Mother Hekate, You have seen me through so many nights. You have held the torch when I needed to see, and held my hand when I needed to be guided in the dark. And I thank You, Mother. I am not blind to those blessings You have given, and I do not forget them or take them for granted. You have blessed me with kindness and mercy and love many times, and I thank You for all of it!

You know asking for help for myself does not come easily for me. You know how I fight with fear and shame. You know how I process vulnerability as weakness in myself. Judgements I do not pass on others, and thoughts I will talk them away from. But I fail to show myself that kindness...and, Mother, You know how I see failure in myself.

Finally, tonight, it starts to make sense to me why I felt that call so many months ago to offer my fear. Why I knew my vulnerability was being asked for. I know now that the times I have given it were really just practice. Just getting me to remember that I agreed to give it. I had no idea that the time would come when it would be like it is now.

And I am not sorry I agreed. It is Apollon I formally agreed to, but I made that promise in Your presence, as well as the presence of Others. I've kept my word and been honest and given my vulnerability to All who were present when I made that promise. I will still keep that promise now.

Mother, I'm scared. Of course, I have to be. How would I be vulnerable if I were not scared? I want to ask for Your protection and guidance. I also question whether or not that would still mean I kept my word. Wouldn't I find peace and strength in believing You would take care of me? But don't I already trust in that because of my relationship with You? But then where does what I feel tonight come from?

So many questions! And, of course, the questions add to what I am experiencing. I know what the stories say about why "panic" gets the name from Great Wild Pan. Tonight, I can also say it makes sense because of how raw and wild the panic can be. But aren't all Shining Immortal Ones like that for humans? We just aren't really built to experience You. We crave and beg for the blessings, but how often do we really want a full experience?

Mother, You know what the human experience has been for me, as well as what it will be in the future. I know my human mind cannot fully comprehend what is possible, and so I know there is so much room for me to be foolish in this. Given what I know, and what I can imagine, I can say I want the experience to be as full as it can be. I have nothing to lose. Nothing that could matter more to me. Even being aware of how not everything about the experience is processed by humans as blessings...I believe it's worth it.

I do not know what to ask of You tonight, and so I do not ask for anything now. I'm just here to be open and honest with You. Because now I need to do the work that terrifies me. Thank You, Mother, for letting me be so genuinely myself in Your presence. Thank You. Thank You, Glorious Mother Hekate.