Gratitude...and fear.

Glorious Mother Hekate, I come to You with thanks flooding from my heart! I don't entirely know how to come to You and properly express that gratitude, though, because fear slips along next to it. I put this off...waiting to see if, maybe a day later, the fear would be gone and my prayers of thanks would be untainted. The fear continues, though, and I do not want to neglect giving thanks and end up seeming ungrateful.

You are special, Glorious Hekate. The religion I was raised in taught us that the patron deity knew our every thought, feeling, even things we did not know about ourselves. Over time, that became more and more difficult for me to believe. It didn't quite make sense, didn't always line up with the mythology (which excuses could quickly be made for when questions were asked), and didn't really line up with things about other deities that were common across mythologies. I believe a deity can know a lot of things that humans can only imagine knowing, and things we don't have enough knowledge to be able to imagine. It just seems there are a lot of other factors when it comes to a deity knowing what is in a mortal's mind and heart. Depending on the idea that a deity "just knows" seems foolish. But You, Mother...there are certain exceptions I believe apply to You. Your very nature is exceptional even among the Shining Immortal Ones! 

Also, I've been guided by You in the past to come to You in an honest state. Respectful, but not performative. I still have trouble with that. I know the difference in my heart, but cannot always see it in my interactions. My respectfulness can become performative because I'm not sure if my meaning will be clear unless I say and do things in certain ways. Part of my coming to You honestly is admitting that I know that about myself. And I come to You now, even with that fear, because I know to come to You honestly.

Mother, I saw the signs that my prayers were received and blessings granted the next day! I had cautious doubts. I didn't want to get excited and read too much into things. But there were clearer signs the day after that! These needs weigh so heavily, and I thank You for signs that the burden is being lifted! This is so important, and I wanted to come to You with all the right words and just letting the gratitude flow freely! Because, yes, this is so very important and these blessings will open so much! Thank You, Glorious, Gracious Hekate!

You know me, Mother. You have guided me through so much. You have held me close. You have carried me. You have stood by me, sat with me...You know me. My fear about these things isn't about doubting You. It's doubting myself, and that doubt was trained into me through trauma. That doubt has had a role to play in my survival. My weaknesses are strengths that come through when they aren't needed. I know this about myself, and I am admitting it to You. Yes, I carry that fear. It didn't come from nowhere. It is valid. Patterns of the past have supported it. I know it's unfair for me to be angry with myself about carrying the fear. Oh, but Mother, I want the fear to be wrong this time! I want to celebrate Your blessings! I want to thrive in things going in healthy directions! I want to heal, and to use that healing to live a life that builds even stronger relationships with You and Others of the Kindreds! The fear does not erase my gratitude. It makes me unsure about expressing it. So, here I am...taking that step and expressing it anyway.

My thanks belongs to You, Glorious Hekate!