Nine Years

Khaire Hekate! Mistress of the Three Realms, Keeper of the Keys, Soul of the World! You are most honored among the Immortal Ones, and I am blessed in Your presence. Glorious Hekate - Pammetor and Pandoteira - gladden my heart as I devote myself to You. Guide and protect me always on my journey.

Mother, it's been nine years. I've said it so many times. "Nine years ago", "for the past nine years"... I was so focused on how everything changed that, even though I kept saying it, I didn't really take notice of the number.

Nine years.

Nine.

Three threes.

It's been a hard year! Grief keeps returning because I can feel the Mighty and Beloved Dead with me. It's a different grief now. It's only an echo of the initial grief of loss. I miss their physical forms. I also feel the love and support they bring to me. 

I've been thinking next year could be hard. My kind places a lot of significance on decades. I could be wrong about that, though. I want to be wrong! I'm ready for a good year. I deserve a good year. A comfortable year. A restful year. An enjoyable year.

Because, of course, "this year has been hard" is not automatically the same thing as "this year has been bad". This year has been...a lot. I look back now, on the anniversary of it being nine years since I left home, and I see the hardness of this year started with the surprise in May. An echo of nine years ago. Starts in May, and leaving home happens in the same month as all the morbid celebration of what happened in May. And here we are this year, nine years later...started in May, and I finally see the significance of the number at the anniversary of leaving home.

So much of it hurts. The anniversaries, the things I recently learned, the ways things have changed. The pain isn't just contained there. This year has brought challenges that have tested and pushed all of us in this house. I may be the one who seems closest to breaking, but that may well be because I'm the one who can recognize it before it becomes a complete disaster. It has been a year of pain, fear, and suffering.

It's also been the year in which I got my new cane. This one not only helps me walk, but also has other uses. And it has meaning. I hope, Mother, that I can keep this one. Given what the material is, it's not ridiculous to think it could be with me for many years to come.

It's also been a year of...well, uncomfortable change in my devotion that is not at all "bad" just because it's uncomfortable. You know how I feel about pairing of a goddess and god. You also know my concerns about henotheism as an unconscious replacement for monotheism. You also know why I chose to devote myself only to You. It's been this year that I've been reminded - sometimes by having it thrown in my face - that I may win in a deal with a Trickster, but so will he. And I'm not sorry at all! I may sometimes lovingly and jokingly chastise myself for not seeing before how things could reach this point, but I don't regret it. None of it has simply happened. My consent has been given at every point along the way so far, and it has repeatedly been made clear to me that my decision would be respected and there would be no punishment if I ever withdraw consent.

I just didn't see it coming. I didn't think this would be a possibility. I didn't wish for it or expect it. And it's all been so...honest. That honesty is needed. It's not always comfortable.

The year has brought limitations and risks. I don't necessarily expect that I'll have it all emotionally processed by the time we change the calendars. And there are still at least a few major things that we know will happen before the year is over. The recent realizations about my well-being add stress while also making it clear how important it is that I reduce stress.

I've been so overwhelmed by being tossed around by all of the things happening this year that it took me until now to see it... Nine years. I'm still processing it.