Mono, Poly, Heno

Mother, it seems this year is starting with one of those times that gives me both confusion and comfort. Maybe with a touch of alarm added. I feel drawn to Ganesha again, as it seems to happen every few years. It makes sense in a way, given the anniversary that this year is for me. 

I am sometimes bothered by the common modern Pagan approach of just looking at as Immortal Ones as something of a symbol. As if each of you is confined to having domain in certain areas and that's it. If I were to ask You to guide me through some kind of obstacles in my love life, there would be someone who would tell me I should be asking Aphrodite. But I don't have a relationship with her like I do with You. And I'm sure someone would tell me I don't need to concern myself with Ganesha because I already have a relationship with You, so I already have a Gatekeeper. 

I don't "have a Gatekeeper". I have a relationship with a Gatekeeper. That's not the same thing. I'm not collecting Immortal Ones like pieces in a series of figurines. And yet...well, it is still odd to me that multiple Gatekeepers have touched my life at times. And then the Immortal Ones of the Crossroads who aren't exactly Gatekeepers. Instead of an eclectic personal pantheon that covers all the known domains, I get different entities at the Crossroads. This is probably part of why I don't generally like being in groups with other humans for these things. I don't want to deal with them trying to "correct" me on things that, while I may not fully understand why it works this way for me, I know it is how it should be.

And, of course, Ganesha is not the same being as You, so the relationship is different. I think. Honestly, Mother, I have started to question whether or not You might be all of the Crossroads Immortal Ones. Or perhaps that You might be the Crossroads. Sometimes, for a moment, I question whether or not You might be all of the Immortal Ones. I don't like the term "one true god" because of how it is used in the monotheism I grew up in. I wish I had known the word "henotheism" then. I tried to argue even as a child, "But what if those other gods are real and we're just not supposed to worship them?" It's always been easier for me to accept the idea of only being devoted to one deity than the odea that only one deity exists.

And I know You haven't asked me to limit my devotion to You, and in fact You opened the door for me with Hermes...but it's a different relationship with him. And I guess my connection with Ganesha is also different. But of course it's "different"...just like I have different relationships with different humans. A relationship with a family member is different from a relationship with a neighbor, but there are also different relationships with different neighbors. If I had the same relationships with different people, I wouldn't really be getting to know them. I'd just be using them to fill a space. I don't do that with humans, non-human animals, or Immortal Ones. When I really think about it, I don't even think I do that with plants or rocks.

I started this prayer to tell You what I was feeling confused about, but it seems like it's bigger than I realized. It's not the kind of confusion that has a simple answer to clarify everything. It's more a matter of confusion in my emotions. Or perhaps confusion where What I Know and What I Feel meet. I appreciate guidance, but I guess I'm not really looking for an answer here. It's more about allowing myself to give to You the honesty of my vulnerability.