The Cord

The cord of my prayer beads broke today. I knew it would happen someday. That's why I made them the way I did...to make it easier to fix them when "someday" came. 

Mother, You know how my mind finds the patterns in things. How I don't always come to the most accurate conclusions, but I do find meaning in the patterns. I knew there would be a "someday", but I didn't expect what is happening when I made them, and even once I knew this was coming I didn't think "someday" would be now.

I want Your help. I want Your guidance. I want You to take away my fears. But I don't want to...well, that's why I'm having trouble praying with words. I know what I want, I know that I don't want to ask for it, and trying to look deeper just freezes me. So I pray through art. I pray through tending the Temple. I pray through breathing.

I look at the Crossroads and see the Great Elephant sitting there. I have only ever known his kindness. But I also know kindness is not all he's capable of, and I do not know what will happen if I step closer.

I cannot find Hermes. I do know there are parallels between Hermes and the Great Elephant. I know there are parallels between the Great Elephant and You. I see the pattern...but I don't want to end up at the wrong conclusions.

My words might not make a lot of sense right now, but I know You see so much more than any words could express or explain. I've wanted to come to You for days, but I haven't known how. We've been doing this work for years. I don't want it to be destroyed. 

Even now, I don't want to ask for Your help. I don't want to turn this into me begging for Your blessings. I want to tell You how beautiful You are, and how I don't think this can be called "holding onto my faith" because that would feel like erasing years of experience because, whatever this is, it's more than just faith. I want to tell You that I adore You.

It's all pulled so tight right now. Much like the beads. And I just don't know when the cord will snap, or what will happen when it does.