Offering myself

Mother Hekate, I seek to give You all of myself...yet I still hold back. Is this why You sent me to Hermes? Did You know I would learn more about this in experiences with him? Is it those experiences, or what this year is to me, or a mix? I'm not truly looking for answers to those questions right now. They  just wander through my mind.

I give You duty as an expression of devotion. My devotion comes from love, and gratitude, and awe. But is my love complete if I cannot give all of myself to You?

I hold back my fear, misery, and doubt. And I recognize the doubt is part of the fear. I first felt Your call when I was being consumed by fear and misery. You saved me in a way the religion of my childhood promised salvation, but I had long ago given up any hope that it existed for me. I've gone through breaking things down and examining them many times, testing and analyzing to make sure I'm not just painting a Pagan cover onto that religion. I was at a point where I had decided deities either do not exist, or have no interest in me. Any honoring of Your kind that I did was more about the structure of a larger ritual than about any belief that my prayers would be heard. But You changed my understanding.

My doubt is doubt about myself. Not all of my fear is fear of myself, but it would be dishonest for me not to admit some of it is. And the misery... I had turned it over in my mind many times. I have no solid answers. The misery is made of many things. And why would I want to put all of this on someone I love? But when I don't, I'm not offering my full self to You. These things are part of me, in that they are part of how I am currently experiencing life. 

I don't know how to offer my full self to You. I have been punished for simply being myself. The way things are, it often feels like I'm still being indirectly punished. I know You have not been one of the ones who punishes me, Mother, but trauma has trained me not to take the risk. And it's so easy to remind myself that it's not really a risk with You, but then I just don't want to frequently come to You with so much emotional burden.

But I see keeping that burden from You results in putting up a wall that prevents me from truly communing with You.

I ask for Your guidance. I want to get rid of that barrier and give myself to You.