Spells and Prayers

When I was a child, Yhvh was spoken of as God. As if they were the only one. In fact, that's what we were taught. There was only one, and people who knew them as Yhvh didn't know "the one true" god. And prayer was about surrender. As much as we were encouraged to "pour out your heart in prayer", there was a subtle underlining of implication that the only passionate emotion that was actually acceptable was adoration. Doubt, anger, jealousy - even confusion - would just get in the way of calm and faithful surrender.

When I was a little older (an adult, but still a child in so many ways when I look back), I was told that spells were like prayer for witchcraft. There was a lot of people dedicating themselves to a deity, but also saying the big difference between spells and prayer was that you don't need a deity to answer your prayer when it's a spell. That a spell was a prayer that you took care of for yourself. And yet...well, there was also a lot of calling on deities for such work. Did they think they were commanding deities?

There were a lot of cracks in the foundations of these things. A lack of deconstruction that led to surface level polytheism floating on an ocean of looking at things with a monotheistic approach. Misunderstanding information in books because a certain amount of it had been kept secret. And for good reasons! But people believed they were experts because they didn't know they had never seen the expert level information. 

Similar to prayer being about peaceful surrender, spells were to be done with no doubt. No second guessing, no worrying, nothing. You fully believe in what you're doing, else it won't work! There's a lot of room for arguing that it should be done that way, but there's also a lot of room for arguing that someone's work didn't get the intended results because of doubt. Just like all the times a blessing was withheld from someone who prayed because their faith wasn't strong enough. 

I don't think one must have no doubt about a spell getting them what they want in order for it to be effective. I think one should feel confident that the work they're doing is the right work. That they understand the work, understand the situation and potential consequences, and have chosen the best action and are willing to pay the price. 

(My thoughts about spells vs rituals could probably be a 12 page essay, but just saying this about spells right now is enough.)

Prayer, though...these days, I don't think any kind of confidence is needed. And I don't think it needs to be about peaceful surrender. Mother Hekate, I have at times felt closest to You when I was falling apart! Desperate, terrified, and either still fighting or at the point of giving up. I'm not always good at giving You my full vulnerable self, but I don't feel like it's wrong to pray to You with whatever I'm thinking and feeling at the time. Sometimes I don't want to ask for Your guidance simply because I don't want to be someone who only comes to You with problems. I don't feel like there's a bigger "wrong" to it, though. I don't feel like I'm supposed to have already figured things out for myself but then give You the credit and say I'm surrendering myself to the plan.

I'm still learning how I see prayer. I didn't pray for a long time because I thought there was no reason for the Immortal Ones to be involved in our everyday lives, and that the prayers would not even be received. It took a while for me to get comfortable with prayer again when I started developing a relationship with You. And I don't feel prayer always has to be in words. Acts of devotion are a kind of prayer. The work I've been doing with the cranes this year has had some influence in how my understanding of prayer is expanding.

I'm probably thinking a lot about this because I know I will come to You with a problem soon. It's very important, so I've been thinking about the most effective way to present it. But if it's prayer, I guess the best way will be the honest way. Thoughts, emotions, and all.