Difficult Times

Mother Hekate, I do not necessarily come to You for help, though help would be welcome! I come to You, though, to keep my promise of showing You more of my vulnerability.

I know what therapists have said about "handling things well"... I'm good as long as I'm not harming myself or anyone else. And there's that thing I often say about the Hippocratic Oath - "do no harm" isn't always the same as "cause no pain".

My writing is causing me a lot of pain. I keep doing it, though. I'm not even having to force myself to do it. I know what I'm doing with this writing is cleaning a wound. Still, part of me asks if I had to clean it now (yes, and I understand why) because everything is hard right now. Not just for me...for everyone. I think the handful of people in the world who don't seem to have it hard are hiding a lot, and maybe not even fully understanding what they are causing for themselves in some cases. It's harder for some people than others, but it's hard for everybody.

I want to ask for Apollon's help because a lot of what's happening...well, the protections needed are his specialities. But I don't have a relationship with Apollon. I have honored him in rituals when it's appropriate, but there was a time when I explored expanding that and starting a relationship, and...nope. There was nothing. So I set boundaries for when I would stop trying if I wasn't seeing any signs of it being accepted. Nothing. Maybe I need to remember this when I get that little bit of worry that I might just be imagining everything with You and Hermes.

We need Apollon's help, Mother. Truthfully, I believe You are capable of anything and everything that the other Immortal Ones are. I don't think we need just one to help us. Apollon has a certain style, though, that I think we need. I don't know how to approach him, though. I don't know if I go through You, through Hermes, or if I just need someone who does have a relationship with him to handle things while I mind my own business.

I don't know if I keep having things get in my way (high pain, household responsibilities, etc) when it comes to moving the altars in the Temple because it shouldn't be done, or if it is just that things keep getting in the way and I'll do it when I can. If You don't want me moving things, I am open to receiving a clear message about that.

The good thing lately has been my art. And since George's ashes came home, I played the piano longer today for him. I don't have the words yet, not even for myself, to say what life is without him. I just want to hold him one more time. And if I could, I know that I would then want another one more time. I'm scared without him. But that's also what's setting me loose with art... I have monsters of my own to meet this year with, and they aren't kept under control the way they used to be.