Fear, Change, and UPG

Glorious Mother Hekate, I come to You again with my vulnerability, as I have committed myself to sharing all that I am... even when I would prefer not to. Other humans have trained it into me to hide those parts of myself. Untraining that is hard work. I am willing to do it. 

You know what the current situation is in my house, and You know why there always seems to be a "current situation". I think part of why I don't like asking Immortal Ones to intervene is just that - I can't promise things will be avoided next time. Most of these things are definitely avoidable. I just don't have the authority to do it. I feel like other people will keep putting me in the position of needing to ask for help again and again, and it just doesn't feel right. And I don't want to come across as selfish. So I hope, but I don't ask.

I can't take much more of this, though, Mother. I have fear about what will happen in the cold months. I have fear about relationships being strained in ways that cannot be helpful. After all, it's been proven to me multiple times that others are not willing to do the work, and You know why walking away isn't an option. You might even know better than I do. I know the obstacles and the practical reasons I can't do anything about them. I don't understand the likelihood of all those things coming together, or why they were put together if happening on their own isn't likely.

I know I used to be better at telling You about my fears. I had more hope then that things might be temporary. I didn't feel like there was a great risk of me becoming someone who wants or needs a new favor every week. But if I'm really going to be vulnerable with this, then I have to say I'm asking for help now. And even though I have been assured that the recent changes in things do not cut the connection of Hermes being patron of the house, I haven't asked for his help. I should do that.

The assurances... I get the feeling I'm not going to get any clear, direct answers about the change in things right now. The experience last week was scary, but not deeply scary. I still felt like I was safe. I don't completely understand why the change is happening, though I do have some ideas. I've wondered, for one, if this somehow relates to my concerns about not really understanding You as Einalia. Or maybe it's just that I have more to learn that has to be experienced along different paths in the journey. At this point, though, it scared me to let go of him, and I have to admit I am hoping we come back together again.

I see lines, parallels, patterns... I don't know yet which ones are legitimate and which ones I'm just imagining. I don't want all of my learning and developing relationships to cause a gap with You, but I remind myself that You haven't let that happen before and I need to trust Your guidance.

I know there doesn't always have to be a direct connection - or, perhaps more accurately, there won't always be one humans can see - but I feel like there is one here. That's where my questions about whether or not You are Isis come from. While I do believe different cultures have had relationships with different groups of Immortal Ones, it doesn't mean no members of one group are ever also part of another group. And it is harder to see so many parallels as there are in this case. It's usually people putting together just a few points, and doing it in ways that ignore everything else that is known. Things like insisting two Lords of the Wild with amazingly different preferences and personalities must be the same Immortal One only because of being Lords of the Hunt.

But You and Isis... there's a lot. And it wouldn't take a lot for knowledge to spread across the Mediterranean Sea. And I guess it just makes sense to me if it was You in ways that I would seriously question if it was anyone else. But something doesn't quite seem right, so I have to wonder if You simply have a close relationship with her. 

One of the funny things about unverified personal gnosis is that a lot of it can never truly be verified. Reactions to the term "UPG" change over time. I'm not in the social circles I used to be part of, so I don't care about it in the same ways that I used to. I still see it as important to check what I can and do my best to make sure I'm not just letting my imagination or bad information get in the way. 

I know I haven't seen any information to give me the impression that it was ever culturally seen this way, but I look at the ankh and see that it could be one of Your keys. I also see it as a map of the Nile, starting with the Sea. And I know it is often - in modern times and Western cultures - seen as mainly a symbol of Isis, but the history shows so much more of it showing up with various netjer. And that way I see the Sea and the Nile makes sense with a lot of other things. So that's part of what it is to me.

An alligator. A few years short of a half century later, a crocodile. This one may take me a while to understand. It seems so clear what it is that I just have to wonder why. And then I do start wondering if it's too clear. If I'm making assumptions and seeing things that aren't there. And I really don't have anyone to check with except You.

Glorious Hekate - Ourania, Khthonia, Einalia - gladden my heart as I devote myself to You. Guide and protect me always on my journey.

I don't really understand what's happening. I'm doing my best to learn. Some of it, I may never understand. Sometimes "understanding" is just getting to a point of acceptance. But I do expect I'll learn a lot along the way, and I'll end up understanding things I'm not even questioning yet.

I can work even better without the everyday obstacles that are scaring me, though. At least the cold months problem being solved, if nothing else. I want to give my best. That naturally means I can give more when I have more. 

Thank You for Your guidance, Mother, and I hope I'm doing the right thing by bringing all of this to You.