Again...

Again, with the bully. Mother, before I tell You what has my stomach in nots again - what brought on pain and tears tonight - first, I want to tell You what I'm thankful for. There have been hard days recently. Days when I could barely pull myself out of bed. Days when the thought of doing more than getting dressed overwhelmed me. I haven't been able to do things exactly the way I wanted to every day, but even on those days I have made space for devotional time, even when it took some deviation from the normal routine. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for the strength in my relationships with You and Others. I'm thankful for still having that time together. 

I'm thankful for the solution that will be here soon for the problem with the physical stability of the shrine. I will do the work to fix it, and I pray it is the right solution. 

I am thankful for getting the work done to make the holiday gift that is most important to me to make.

I'm thankful for the work I've done this year to keep that promise I made so many years ago about what I would do "someday". I'm thankful for the most recent step in that, and for how easy it was to get past the surprise obstacle that had turned up. 

I'm thankful for the problem with my medicine being so easily solved.

There is so much that I'm thankful for! Even on the worst days, there is gratitude and love in my heart. I wanted to tell You that first, because it is too important to be erased by the pain I carry.

Oh, but the pain...

Mother, the bully is picking up the bullying again. I'm afraid she never really walks away from it. She just hides it sometimes. And tonight, even the one who makes excuses for her didn't do that, and instead said she was wrong. It takes a lot for that to happen.

The bully is cruel. And she lies. She lies to deceive, lies to intimidate, and lies because she believes some of her own lies. She hurts all of us. Again and again and again. If she feels any guilt, it's not enough to change her behavior. She makes excuses and puts the blame on whoever she has hurt. She holds control over all of us, and then she is neglectful and unreliable. She is the kind of person one should break ties with and leave, no matter how much it might hurt. Staying is worse. Staying leads to more harm. But none of us can walk away. It's not about being unwilling. It goes back to how she holds the control. But then she punishes us, treating us as if we are burdens and cannot understand all the responsibility we put on her. But she is irresponsible, and puts us in positions where we have to fix her mistakes so we won't suffer more. 

I don't really know how to be unkind. It's something I struggle with, feeling like it's not true kindness if it's just my default. I don't seem to have it in myself to genuinely want harm for someone. Sometimes, though, suffering is the only way someone learns. That's why I made the work I've been doing in her case something that has room for her behavior to determine how it goes. I take responsibility for doing the work. I made that choice, and I have been taking action on it. I don't want it to be unfair, though. I don't want to push too far. I had to set boundaries.

I'm scared of having to spend my whole life this way. First, my mother, and now, the bully. If I had the choice to be rid of her, I think I would be. To be honest, it would probably depend on how I would be rid of her. I don't want to be cruel. There are limits. But, yes, I would want to be rid of her. I just don't believe that's the only option. People learn, and they can decide to change. It just takes more to get some people there than others. She brags at times about power she doesn't really have. She stays stuck in the same harmful loops, not having the power to learn and grow and change. She's one of those people it takes more for. 

But it needs to happen. It doesn't happen when she suffers in ways that leave her dependent on others. She takes advantage of us then, and her irresponsibility spirals. If she has to learn through suffering, then she has to suffer in ways that force her to be accountable. She has to see that she is the cause of her own suffering, and it has to be important enough that she makes healthy changes. It would probably come through the one who did not excuse her tonight. It would take something very personal and painful between them. As much as I don't want that for the other one, I have to accept that it may be the only way.

But I cannot see all of the possibilities, and I know that You can. I ask for Your guidance, Mother. I ask You to comfort me and help me be patient. She's going to have to bring this on herself. There's no realistic way that I can snap my fingers and fix it all. And if I push with the other one, it will all be pushed away while I would be pushed into trouble. I can continue the work I've been doing, but anything else is delicate. I need patience. My Most Beloved One and I need protection. We all need protection to some degree. It may be necessary for the other one to be vulnerable, but there are still certain protections that are needed. Clearly, I don't fully understand what is needed. I can't know and understand like You do.

I don't know how much of my trust the bully can regain. She has whittled away at it for so long, even when I was the one to put it back together when she broke it. A decade. She has been doing this to me for a decade, and even longer to others. Traumatizing, abusing, intimidating, controlling, neglecting...and then either pretends or truly does not understand the fear and pain. I know she kept that child with us as long as she did because she saw herself. 

Mother, we need Your help. The others don't know it. Even if they know help is needed, they don't know You. I know Your help is needed.

I wanted to plant the garlic for You, but her control and neglect made that not possible now. It is still my intention for next year.