Pour Out My Heart

This is a virtual space. I chose it for being a liminal space. Here, yet not here. Changes can be made to this space, but I do not edit my prayers. The fact that I have prayed stands, no matter what may or may not change. 

But I recognize I have been limiting myself in my prayer, Mother. One of the things I have thanked Your for Your guidance in is my working to be more open and vulnerable with You. Working to get past limiting things to formal praise. There is much to be praised about You! I would say, and have said, that Your very existence is worthy of praise! But I'm not really honest about who I am when that's all I give.

I've been back in that state in which I feel guilty if I think I'm complaining too often. I probably wouldn't tell You how the bully hurts me if things weren't at that really awful point again. If I didn't feel like she's breaking me. And I recognize that having to have things be at that point before I tell You means I'm holding so much more in. I'm not being open. I said I would be, so I have to correct that.

I'm scared, Mother. I'm scared of everything. I cried for two hours today. I'm scared of big things on a global scale. I'm scared of big things on a personal scale. I'm scared of things other people would see as little, but I understand those things enough to know that just because they're quiet doesn't mean they're little. And I'm probably scared of some little things, too. 

All the fear is raising my anxiety and firing up depression, and the time of year complicates that. I'm scared that the people around me don't know how to love. That I will never be loved, and that there was nothing I could do about it because it was never my fault, no matter how many times I convinced myself that it was. I'm scared of this life ending too soon. I'm also scared of it being a long life that is overwhelmed by many forms of pain. I'm scared that maybe I actually am capable of wonderful things, but that I'll always be held back by the people who were supposed to support me. I'm scared that I'll never heal from the years of lying to myself for them. I'm scared that I can't heal. I'm scared that I will heal and it won't matter. I'm scared that I'll be trapped in this forever. 

I blame myself because it's easier to live with the idea that I have failed than the idea that there was nothing I could do to change things. But sometimes even I have to admit the truth. I don't get everything right, and I have had guilt that I deserved at times, but I didn't cause all of this. I have, in fact, done a lot of work to learn and to heal and to break certain cycles. It's not my fault when others aren't willing to do the work. And that terrifies me. I don't want to be trapped and controlled by them. I don't want to miss the chance to have deep and meaningful relationships because of them. I don't want to be set up for failure by them.

And then I'm scared that maybe these moments of truth aren't truth at all. That maybe this is when I lie to myself because I can't handle what I really am. But I know that's not it. I spent years learning which inner voice to trust. I know that's just a part of myself trying to use self-blame to take the bite out of the pain and fear.

I don't want to be me anymore. I want to be...I want to exist and be alive! But I want to be a different version of myself. A version that isn't trapped, neglected, manipulated, and abused. 

Even in how I have so carefully set things up, I know I did it not to be fair, but because I don't want to regret wishing pain on her. I couldn't let myself be completely honest because I'm afraid I would feel guilty later. Here and now, in this moment of honesty, Mother, I will tell You the truth. I want to love her, but it keeps getting harder. It's the survival tactics of my nervous system. It gets harder to love her because, more and more, I just recognize her as a threat. And that means, yes, ideally I do want healthy change, but I also just want her to disappear. On a practical level, I want her gone if she's never going to learn. I want the abuse to stop, and there is no time that would be "soon enough" because it's already long overdue. But I don't want to admit that about myself, so I end up giving her room to keep abusing. I want her to see what she's doing and change course because I don't want to live with the fact that I actually believe we would all be better off without her. If I am capable of hate, it's possible that I hate her.

So many times, I have wanted to call on You as Brimo. That's not how I know You, though, and I end up talking myself into believing that would stop everything from reaching the goal. And maybe there's some truth to that, but it's also that I'm afraid of my faith being weakened if nothing changes, and I'm afraid of carrying responsibility if things changed in a way that actually made things worse. And, yes, some small part of me recognizes I'm afraid of living with understanding of the power if things turned out exactly the way I want.

I'm afraid of so many things, and to be honest means admitting that some of those things are me. I am, in some ways, afraid of myself. 

I want to ask You to help me, but it feels so weak because I don't know what help I need. I'm just scared. That's what it all comes down to. I am terrified. And I don't know how to be any more honest and open than that, because that's the heart of how I understand it.