Concerns about Devotional Practice

I'm not going to the altar as often as I was. 

I'm thankful on the days that I do it. I want that special time of offering and prayer. It's not a business transaction. I don't just give an offering with the expectation that it means an Immortal One now owes me a favor. I look back over the years and remember when that was how I did things. I'm thankful that it doesn't seem to have been held against me. I wish I had known sooner how I was cheating myself, but I guess that's part of growing and learning from experience.

Time spent at the altar is many things, and trying to put them into words feels inadequate. Bonding? Yes, but that oversimplifies it. Worship? I don't really know what that word means anymore. The way it's commonly used feels so limiting now. I know time at the altar almost feels selfish when I try to describe it - I get so much from it, I feel so different, and I...I...I... - but it's more than I can describe. More than my conscious mind can fully comprehend. It's more!

I miss it when I can't do it. And then I start telling myself to work harder. I tell myself I'm not prioritizing You, and that I should push harder instead of letting it go because it's inconvenient.

And then there's that gentle voice that says, "Everything has become more demanding, and shifting things around for it now and then is self-care. You still prioritize prayer. You want this too much for it to be about 'imconvenience'. Tell Mother Hekate what's happening." 

I promised to give my vulnerability. Experiences with people have programmed me to see my vulnerability as "excuses". I still have trouble recognizing what it truly is, but I offer it to You when I do recognize it.

We aren't out of winter yet. There will be more demands as we move into spring. I sometimes wish our calendars turned at the beginning of spring, but of course, the seasons don't change at the same time everywhere. It's just so frustrating that demands pick up in the middle of winter because a new year started. And the demands are...well, it's a lot right now. Too much for most of us to carry.

I feel weak, Mother, and it terrifies me.

And I don't want to lose the time at the altar.