Do I understand my own devotion?

Glorious Mother Hekate, I come to You after talking myself into it again. It's the vulnerability, and the allowing myself to be part of a relationship instead of only approaching You when I feel worthy. I'm struggling with this, Mother, but struggling means I am actively working on it. 

Everything has been... everything. I feel like I keep saying that. I start wondering if it sounds like an excuse. Then I look again and see that it would be alarming if I could just carry on as if it was all fine. And I recognize that I'm not really worried about it being an excuse at all. I'm just trying to talk myself into staying away because I feel unworthy.

I'm not okay with how ritual practices have been distupted lately. I was already a little concerned that my work in writing might disrupt things, but I felt more secure after asking for Your guidance. But then it just seems like everything has been falling apart over the past few weeks. Even the writing.

And still... I do take the time for prayer whenever I can. And I continue to seek Your guidance. And I appreciate, Mother, the guidance that You give through use of the cards.

I know that the Immortal Ones are more forgiving about things than humans like to think, and that our understanding of time and Yours are not the same. What it's really about is that I miss the regular practice. I want that shared time and space.

I know I've said that before, but it still surprises me. It's not something I was prepared for. I didn't know this is what devotion would build. And I wonder if I actually understand my devotion. I don't question that it's real. I question whether I'll ever really be able to understand how big it is and what it can become.

Thank You for this, Mother! I feel so alone and insignificant in my home. Or, really, with the other people. We are not the family they tell themselves we are. But in the sacred space, it's all different. There's meaning, and love. And I thank You!