Doubt and Trust

Glorious Mother Hekate! If we look at mother and child as relationship, not just genetics and birth, You are truly my Mother. 

Again, I thank You for my tiny lake! You know what sitting by the water does for me. You see my joy in watching the plants grow! And it is an honor for me to be the caretaker. To be trusted with such a sacred space. I pray that this will help with getting to know You more as Einalia, as well as with opening communication with the Mighty Crocodile.

It's the time of year when anniversary syndrome hits hard, and I see the depression showing up in anxiety. We've also come back around to the point where the bully's lack of responsibility complicates and is complicated by physical issues. We are, again, all going to suffer because of her, and I will be vulnerable because of her being around more. I'm scared, and feelings of powerlessness are woven with that fear in patterns that I can see, but they just seem to explain that I really am powerless here. I can feel what the fear, dread, and echoes of abuse are doing to me.

And yet... Are any of Your children ever really powerless? I may not have any authority or control in this, but You have guided me through so much, and I don't believe it was just to lead me in circles. I tell You when I open things to receive messages from You at the shrine that I trust Your guidance. Even when I don't understand the messages. If anything, that's when I most rely on that trust.

I see that my prayers for the other sister to see the bully for what she is have been becoming the reality of things. Not as fast or dramatically as I have hoped for in times of desperation, but that's part of trusting You. What I've hoped for may be understandable, but it isn't the best path forward. You've done what is actually best, and I thank You.

I have doubts about pretty much all of the work I'm doing and need to do this year. About how well I can manage things, added to fears about having to depend on unreliable people. About how my body can handle physical work. About getting the two rooms I need to do things in finally done, and especially the room that is so sacred. About my writing - both doing it and selling it. About getting anyone to come to me for the other services I offer.

Doubts and fears about my work and money are especially heavy with the bills and the situations the bully keeps putting us in. I know what I've been told through divination and meditation, and I accept that it's true, but that doesn't mean I'm not bothered by it. "You're doing everything right" is only comforting when there are helpful results from what I'm doing. 

But that brings me back to trusting You. I keep doing the work. It is strange to be told that doing what I should won't get the results, but I'm trusting the first part. That I am doing what I should.

Trust is not easy for me, Mother. You know why. But I trust You. Even when I can't trust myself.

I hope I don't disappoint You. Everything You've done in our relationship has been blessings for me. It matters to me to do well with giving You my gratitude.