Holding Hope

Glorious Hekate. Soul of rhe World. Unconquerable Queen. Mother.

Sharing my vulnerability is even harder than I thought it would be. Worrying, second guessing myself, trying not to let the habits that have been necessary for survival for so long take over. But it is not a promise I regret making. I have no misgivings about holding to it. I'm thankful that I made this promise. I'm thankful for the safety I experience in keeping it. Often lately, I find that when I take time in the day for gratitude, I'm thankful for being devoted to You. I'm thankful for having space for devotion to You, other Shining Ones, and the Ancestors. I'm thankful for being aware of house spirits. I'm thankful for being thankful.

That gratitude is so precious. I don't want to lose it in all this stress. I think setting the habit of taking that time each day will help me not lose it.

I feel that I'm already becoming overstressed, and I feel what my fear is doing to me. In some ways, it seems like hope is difficult to hold. I'm haunted by the times I was sure something would work out the way I wanted, and I was then heartbroken when it didn't. The anxiety and fear of those around me magnifies my own. Something reminds me that no one I give my devotion to is obligated to make things work the way my family is focused on getting it all to work.

But then...

In other ways, it's not hard at all to hold onto the hope. It comes naturally. I know the work I've been doing. I know there were times in the past when that heartbreak was the result of me just wishing. Nothing more solid than fooling myself into thinking a wish would come true because I was too terrified to think that it wouldn't. This is different. The desire in this isn't as simple as those foolish wishes, and I'm much more aware of the possibilities. I also look at how perfect what we want will be. I think of the prayers I've offered and work I've done for years now for protection and moving toward something better. I think of how the things we want aren't always delivered in the way that we imagine them, and how getting this place could very well be the answer to all of those prayers.

I may not be able to tell myself that not getting it would mean there's something even better, but I do believe this matters to You. I don't really believe that I understand how it matters, though. I think it has something to do with You being the Soul of the World, but I don't necessarily think it has to do with You being invested in me. I just don't know, Mother. My view of Shining Ones has grown over the years. I know enough to be aware that there's so much more that I don't know. So many things - and things within those things - that I don't understand. So many things that I have no reason to believe I ever could understand as a human.

I'm trying to process my fear. I'm trying to understand how I can be processing and reacting to all of what's happening in seemingly opposing ways. I think it's all true because nothing is certain right now.

What I do know is that my devotion to You isn't an agreement for a trade of services. I will still be devoted to You no matter how this goes. And I know I really want us to get that place and be moved in the next couple of months. That's all that is certain, including the details wrapped up in those things, such as what my devotion means for practice, and the joy and healing that will come with moving to the place.

I don't understand why Your message was, again, "unresolved past". I know that's woven into this whole thing, but I don't understand if there's more meaning. I trust Your guidance. I question whether or not I may be only seeing what I want to see. I need to see what's real, even if it doesn't match what I want.

Thank You, Mother. For nothing specific, and also for everything. Thank You.