The emotional load

Mother Hekate, I wanted to offer a poem to You today, but the words wouldn't flow. The intention was there, as well as effort, but there's just no tangible result. So I offer You what I carry in my heart. 

I saw something a few days ago that said, "I know it is a blessing to feel everything so deeply, but wtf?" Oh, I feel that! Maybe I'm just a little bit jealous that I didn't write it myself.

I'm kind of acting as mental and emotional support for the other three people for now. (I know...I never count one of them. I do not believe he belongs here, and he is not part of the group.) I don't think it's draining me (yet), but maybe it is. Maybe it's a slow drain. Or maybe I'm just being drained by everything and can't sort it out right now.

Sorting things is definitely draining. It's been the physical work. Today, though, I had to sort things that had been tucked away for emotional reasons. The last card from my dad. The pictures of the farm I had taken for him just a few days before he died. I didn't get to pick them up from being developed until after I had been told. The angry notes we left on the kitchen door a few months after moving here. I kept them because I thought she and I could talk about it after things calmed down. It's been six years. It was all talked about eventually, but I forgot I had kept the notes, and reading them hurt me again. A picture that draws forward how much I miss George.

I threw the angry notes away. There's no reason to keep them now. There's a lot of letting go in all this sorting. I don't think that's necessarily what You meant with "unresolved past", but it kind of fits. I can resolve at least some of it.

There's a lot of fear. There's also hope. There's gratitude. We don't know yet that we'll definitely get the blue house, but we already feel so thankful for finding it, and for being in touch with an agent to help us! Other people in the house are ready to give me offerings for Hermes once the agreement is made! We're so happy about everything this place makes available for us!

And still...the fear. Some of it, we know what it is and what it will take for it to pass. Some of it, I know isn't really here yet. I know at what stage it will come. Even I don't really know how it will be handled.

And in all of this, I also carry worry for my spouse. The emotional and moral load work has put on them.

It's a lot. I am thankful for Your guidance and strength. Thank You, Mother, for helping me carry it.