Wandering

There was a time when I knew where I was, Mother. I wasn't happy. In fact, I was miserable and desperate for things to change. But I knew where I was. I knew who I was. 

I've been wandering for a while now. I don't know if my Beloved Dead are reaching out to me, or if I just want to believe that for comfort. So I haven't been taking it seriously, other than the dreams that felt like warnings. I might even have misunderstood those.

I appreciate the messages I get from You in rituals, but I don't feel as close to You as I used to. I remind myself that You are She Who Works From Afar, and that I don't have to always feel close to You in order to be guided by You. But now, as I'm getting scared about things that could be happening in the background in the town again, I worry that maybe I've been letting You down. That maybe I have weakened our bond.

I miss Hermes. I try to tell myself whatever is happening in town will be fine because Hermes is our protector as long as we live here. That's not exactly accurate, though. I owe Hermes thanks and praise as long as we live here. He's not under obligation to do more than has already been done. 

I'm still learning how to bond with Sobek. It's a time of change for me. I'm discouraged about what I've been able and unable to do physically. I've been concerned about how things are changing spiritually. I keep going. I keep opening myself to the changes. I know it's necessary for growth. But I also worry about what if I'm not doing the right things, or doing them the right ways, or how I would know.

I worry about my writing. I worry about a member of the family not keeping her promises, and how that effects us financially. I worry about my marriage. I worry about my seizures. Of course, worrying about so many other things is a factor.

I worry about bigger things. It's not an easy time to be someone who sees and cares.

I'm scared tonight, Mother. I'm having trouble finding words that will lay it all out organized and neat. It's really multiple fears tangled together. And there's a fear that I should have seen it coming if what I'm afraid of is real.

I used to know what to do. I used to know where I was. I used to know who I was. And maybe I just can't know these things right now because it's all in a state of flux. Or maybe I don't know because I'm failing. I don't know which it is.

I don't know if I'm lost, but it does feel like I'm wandering.