Grief and Overwhelm

Mother Hekate, I thank You and praise You! You have guided me again and again, including times when I was unaware. Even now, as scared and confused as I am, I trust that You are still guiding me. 

We lost a member of our family today. The way she came to us was very special, and I thought she would be going home with us. I know my mind often assigns meaning to things as a way of trying to create a structure I can process. I also know I often understand things as they happen in ways that don't become clear to other people until much later. Part of me wonders if this family member bought our way back home, or if her job here was finished because we are going home. The parallels in how she joined us and when she left stand out. 

And there's another part of me that says I'm grasping at things because we don't have time to grieve. Whichever it is, Mother - or whatever else it may be - she is with You.

There's still a certain level of fear about our future because going home is so important, and we cannot stay here. We have no choice in that. There's a lot of anxiety that sometimes turns into panic about just getting everything done. I don't know how long it will take any of us to recover.

And in all of this - not "addition to", but woven into and influenced by all of it - there's how things have been shifting for me spiritually. I end up wondering sometimes if things are shifting because You are finished with me. Then I think how that would be an extremely narrow and restricted view of You. I don't think that's happening. I don't want it to be happening. I admit that. I hope this is not simply change as in swapping things out, but growth and expansion.

I've wondered again what it is about me and guardians of gates. There have been a couple of times I thought I was getting close to understanding a possible explanation. Not there yet, though.

The temple will change when we get home, but there will be a temple. It will take a lot of work to get things set back up properly. This is work I love doing, though, and I look forward to the years we will have there once I do get everything set up again.