What do I want?

I briefly debated with myself whether to write this in my journal, or here. There are ways that my journal is like a book full of prayers. As time goes by, I feel I've been growing toward everything being an act of devotion. But my journal was going to be written no matter what. I keep it open to the Shining Ones, Ancestors, and Spirits, but it's not quite the same as how everything I write here is written specifically to share with You. So I decided this should be written here. Offered to You. 

Mother, I think maybe the reason I've never found my "purpose" in life is because I always thought it should be one clearly defined thing. My purpose is to wander. To learn. To experience things. I've been doing it all along, thinking it would lead me to where I'm supposed to be, while I was being my Self the whole time. And I love doing that. I want many more years of learning. Truthfully, I want an eternity of it. I know that can't happen in this body, with this mind, so I at least want more years.

I want safety. Life isn't safe. I know that better than anyone should have to. But a certain level of safety lets us process things and learn, while a severe enough lack of safety puts us in Survival Mode and doesn't let us take the risk of processing and learning. I've been in Survival Mode a lot these past few months, and it's been increasing in the past few weeks. I'm scared that it's undoing the healing I've been working on for a decade. I want that needed level of safety again.

I want to have space to be myself. To write. To knit. To make art. To have the shrines and altars for honoring and being in communion with You, Others, and the Ancestors. I want to be able to let going of wanting validation from people I live with who just aren't walking the same road I am.

I also want to be able to come to a meeting point with one of those people, though. I want to share things with my spouse, and I want them to share with me.

And I guess that all comes back to wanting to be in the new house - be home - and feel safe. There's a lot woven into what makes a place home. I want to be able to keep growing and keep getting to know myself.