Virtual Hekatesion

Mother, You must know how I prayed today. And right now, everything is still too much. But there was a moment tonight when it felt like the Crossroads was open. That moment of having such a small creature at the beginning of her life sleep so peacefully in the same arm where someone else slept through most of the last day of his life. I expect I'll pray more about him later. The pain is too much now. I'm scared to wake up tomorrow, Mother. And I know I'm burying a lot because it's coming faster and harder than I can process it. I know it will hit me later. Please hold me and guide me when it does. I'm scared of who I might be without him. Eight years with him was such a blessing! I'm thankful for having been chosen.

More and more, as years go by, I believe my grandmother had an anxiety disorder. I worry. I worry that I don't pray enough. I worry that I pray too much. I worry that my work isn't good enough for the Immortal Ones. Of course, I am not devoted to all of the Immortal Ones. In fact, while I have an agreement with Hermes and do sometimes honor others, I am only truly devoted to You. I suppose one of the effects of many people leaving Chritianity and moving into modern Paganism that has been merged with the New Age movement is that a lot of people don't understand how that works. I didn't always. And then I worry that I'm not giving enough of my attention to You, even though You are part of so much that I do. Even anything I do with other Immortal Ones comes from my devotion to You. And You haven't sent any messages that I'm straying too far. You have always given me room to figure things out for myself unless I am in need of Your guidance. I just worry. I'm...

I want to go home. Home doesn't exist anymore. Except...it does. Home lives inside of me. I want to smell the air. I want to feel the soil and my feet playing together. I want to sit under That Tree. I want to feel safe. I want to hear the mockingbirds. I want to talk to the squirrels. I want my dad's truck. I want to take the long way everywhere because I don't want to be on the freeway. I want to sit in my booth and a diner that closed years ago. I want to recognize every school and church I drive past. I want to go home.

Mother, I pray almost constantly these days. Every breath, every piece of art, every song, every refilling of the birdfeeder. And I feel there's blessing in that, and that it's right to be this way...if only the prayers were different.  I suppose the Crossroads have more traffic now. We're all scared. Those who think they aren't are lying to themselves. I'll continue with writing. I'll continue with the plants. I'll continue with the music. I'll continue praying. I don't know what else to do. But I hope the time comes very soon that I won't have to pray for the reasons I do now. Still, I'd like to continue for better reasons. Every breath a prayer.

Mother, I know no other appropriate way to open this than simply to praise You. You are the Soul of the World, the Torchbearer, the Keeper of Keys, Lady of Storms, Empress of the Dark Waters...so many other names, other roles, other domains. No matter what fear I may carry because of what is happening in mortal life, praising You is always appropriate! You know how difficult things have been, are, and are likely to be. Thank You for giving me a place to visit You at the beach. Thank You for giving me the honor of serving You as a priest. Thank You for guiding me toward work that brings me so much joy - publishing my first book, as one thing! - while so much is going on that very likely would have held me back on my own. You know what is happening in the world. You know well before we humans do. You know how it has been building. You know the many factors, the paths that have been taken, the long histories. Mother, I don't know why we humans keep doing all the horrible things. It...

When I was a child, Yhvh was spoken of as God. As if they were the only one. In fact, that's what we were taught. There was only one, and people who knew them as Yhvh didn't know "the one true " god. And prayer was about surrender. As much as we were encouraged to "pour out your heart in prayer", there was a subtle underlining of implication that the only passionate emotion that was actually acceptable was adoration. Doubt, anger, jealousy - even confusion - would just get in the way of calm and faithful surrender. When I was a little older (an adult, but still a child in so many ways when I look back), I was told that spells were like prayer for witchcraft. There was a lot of people dedicating themselves to a deity, but also saying the big difference between spells and prayer was that you don't need a deity to answer your prayer when it's a spell. That a spell was a prayer that you took care of for yourself. And yet...well, there was also a lot of c...